


Do What you Want you Doormat

by liestotheheart (liesunheardof)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-01-28 19:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12613880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liesunheardof/pseuds/liestotheheart
Summary: "What's wrong with trying to please the people you love?"





	1. Do What you Will

**Author's Note:**

> so there's some jealousy...a lot of it. some stupid oblivous jeonghan. jeonghan dating girls as of right now. and a dash of uncertainty. don't you just love it when i start new shit?

“Should I cut my hair?” Jeonghan lifted the edges of his long hair, letting it fall against his shoulders.   


Joshua hummed as he flipped the pages of his book, not even acknowledging Jeonghan.   


“Shua,” he snapped. He didn’t like not being paid attention to when he was talking.   


Looking up from his book, Joshua turned his head, leaning up on his elbows. “What Jeonghan?”  


“I asked you if I should cut my hair? Seohyun said I should.” Jeonghan’s newest girlfriend was a lovely girl, but she didn’t like his current style.   


He sighed. “If you want to cut hair your hair do it. Don’t cut just because your girlfriend wants you to.”  


“But she doesn’t like it,” he murmured.   


Snorting, Joshua went back to his book.   


“What?” Jeonghan asked. The fact that they had been friends for nearly four years meant that Jeonghan could hear the words that Joshua didn’t say but wanted too.   


“Nothing,” he said. Most likely rolling his eyes, but Jeonghan couldn’t make sure since he was looking at the dried ends of his blond hair.   


“Tell me.”  


“You have a habit of doing what your girlfriends want you to do,” he paused his reading to turn his judging eyes on Jeonghan. “You let your hair grow for Bora. Dyed it for Jooyeon. Now you want to cut it because Seohyun said it looked bad.” Joshua sat up, swinging his legs to the floor. “Why don’t you, for once in your life do what you want to do for yourself. Not because someone told you to.”   


Jeonghan frowned, the cogs in his head moving.   


“And before you say you didn’t you should ask everyone else too. They’ll tell you something similar.” He stood up, taking his book into his hand. “Do what you want because you want it. Not because someone asked you to.”  


“What’s wrong with trying to please people you love?”  


Moving over to his stuff, Joshua grabbed his bag, shaking his head. He swung his bag over his shoulder. “You don’t get it. There’s a limit. But whatever, I’m going home. I’m not going to play soundboard for you anymore.”  


“But you’re my best friend,” Jeonghan sputtered.   


“And I’m my own person,” Joshua shot back. “It’s out of my own free will to leave and I will. See you at school tomorrow.”   


* * *

“You dyed your hair again,” Seungkwan asked, pointing to the brown shade on Jeonghan’s head. 

“Cut it too,” Seokmin added.   


“Yea,” Jeonghan said, brushing his hand through his hair. “I thought I needed a new image.”  


Joshua snorted from his position on the grass.  


“You have something to say Joshua,” Jeonghan asked through gritted teeth.   


“Not at all,” he replied blithely. “You can do what you want. Your hair after all.”  


Sometimes Joshua’s little passive aggressive game pissed Jeonghan off. Right now, was one of them. But he wasn’t going to prove Joshua right. Even if he had gotten it cut because of Seohyun. It was just hair. Not like it was something huge.   


“Anyway,” Joshua said, “I’ve got class so see you all later.” He backpedaled, “Maybe. I might have something coming up,” he added with a frown.   


“Bye hyung.”    


Jeonghan privately fumed. Joshua was never like this to him. What the hell was up?  


* * *

“Where’s Joshua?” Jeonghan looked around the table, his arm around Seohyun’s waist.   


“He’s a big boy,” she said. “He’s probably hanging out with someone else.”  


Seungkwan shrugged. “He hasn’t texted or anything.”   


“That’s unlike him,” Jeonghan muttered.   


“He said something about meeting up with someone,” Seokmin said. “He passed me by earlier and we stopped and talked.”  


“See,” she said, “he’s fine. Now let’s see your hair. It’s so much better like this.”  


Jeonghan smiled at her. “Sure baby.”  


The other two shook their head and started to talk amongst themselves as Jeonghan and his girlfriend made googly eyes at each other.   


“Oh my god,” Seungkwan said, slamming his hands down on the table, jarring the love birds.   


“What?” Jeonghan held in a wince as Seohyun had pulled on his scalp.   


“Look,” he hissed. “Shua hyung at 3 o’clock.”  


“With Kim Mingyu,” Seokmin whispered, his hands on his cheeks.   


“Really?” Seohyun let go of Jeonghan’s hair and whipped her head around.   


Jeonghan turned as well, his jaw dropping. There Joshua was walking next to Kim Mingyu, who was freaking holding his hand. “When did he— “  


“When did he get together with Kim Mingyu,” Seungkwan gasped. “And not tell us. That little— “   


“He’s your hyung,” Vernon interrupted. “And they’re like not together but sort of are. Or so they said.”  


“What do you know,” Seungkwan said, pouncing on Vernon.   


“Just that they’re doing stuff,” he said, pushing him back.   


“Doing what?” Jeonghan asked, his voice icy cold. Which was odd since Jeonghan was never the jealous type. Joshua could do what he wanted. It was rare for him to get together with people anyhow. He ignored the way his heart thudded in his chest and a strange feeling surge from his stomach as he watched Mingyu lift Joshua’s hand and kiss it.   


Vernon shrugged. “What do healthy, young, good-looking dudes do with each other? They’re probably fucking or something. No big deal.”  


“Yes, a big deal,” Jeonghan said. He growled, “Joshua’s the commitment type. He’ll get his heartbroken.”  


Seokmin snorted. “I think Shua hyung knows what he’s doing. Look.”  


 They all turned to see Joshua kissing Mingyu on the lips. In broad daylight. And Mingyu’s hand was right on his ass, groping Joshua’s perky behind.   


This had Jeonghan standing up to go like rescue his friend. Right, rescue Shua from public humiliation and having his heart broken.   


“Jeonghan,” Seohyun said, “what are you doing?”  


“Rescuing my best friend.” He just had his legs out of the bench before he was pulled back down.   


“He won’t like that,” Vernon said. “He looks happy enough to me.”  


“You’re not his boyfriend,” Seohyun said. There was an underlying message there. Her eyes broadcasting how she didn’t like how he was acting.   


“Not like he asked either,” Seungkwan said. “Joshua can hold his own.”   


Clearing his throat, Jeonghan nodded, settling into his seat. “You’re right. All of you. He’ll be fine.” So why did it feel like Jeonghan wasn’t going to be fine


	2. Back off

Jeonghan sat on Joshua’s couch, waiting for him to come home. He managed to catch Wonwoo, Joshua’s roommate, on his way out. Wonwoo just let him in. It was a regular occurrence for Jeonghan to show up to the apartment when Joshua wasn’t here to just wait for him; he was almost a permanent fixture here.  Jeonghan took naps while Joshua was gone, waiting for his friend to come home and hang with him. Unless Jeonghan happened to be dating then his free time was sucked up by his girlfriend.

But today was a special day. Jeonghan saw something he didn’t think he’d ever see and he needed to talk to his friend about it. He had to make sure Joshua was in his right mind. Joshua was _canoodling_ with Kim Mingyu on campus, in _broad daylight_! That was out of character for Joshua. He was an intensely private person and for him to be doing that. Jeonghan knew something was up. Something had to be. Otherwise that meant Joshua loved Mingyu a great deal and that was something Jeonghan knew wasn’t true. Joshua would’ve told him. Jeonghan was his best friend.

“You’re here?”

Jeonghan was so wrapped up in his own head that he didn’t hear the door open and Joshua’s subsequent footsteps.

“How odd. I’d thought you’d be with your girlfriend who’d be admiring your new hair color,” Joshua said, keeping his voice light and airy. But Jeonghan heard that thin layer of disdain. Joshua hid his true feelings well but not to Jeonghan. Jeonghan could see right through him and his little act of being a true angel.

“Just needed to talk to my _best friend_ ,” he said, emphasizing the words. “I saw him on campus with a rather surprising person.” He got up from his lying down position on the couch.

Joshua scoffed, cutting right to the chase. He didn’t feel up to playing games with Jeonghan. “Just because I’m friends with other people doesn’t mean you can be all possessive.” He went into the kitchen to get himself a drink, and away from his currently, very annoying friend.

“I’m concerned,” Jeonghan snapped back. “You were hanging all over freaking Kim Mingyu, sucking on the guy’s tongue in broad daylight. That won’t be good for your reputation.”

Whirling to face Jeonghan, Joshua glared. “So, what if I was? That’s my business not yours. Whose tongue I suck on is my problem.”

Jeonghan bit back a growl. Joshua was purposely being bratty. Normally Jeonghan would be delighted by Joshua’s bratty side showing, since Joshua didn’t show it to people he wasn’t close with, but today it pissed him the fuck off. Jeonghan felt an irrational urge to grab Joshua shake him until he agreed to stay away from Mingyu. Mingyu was a horrible choice. Jeonghan would be a better boyfriend. He wouldn’t grope Joshua in public; he’d do it in the privacy of their apartments. But that wasn’t the issue, the issue was that Mingyu was a horrible choice for Joshua. He conveniently ignored the part of his brain that whispered liar.

 “If you’re not going to shut up about it,” Joshua said, sucking in a deep breath, “then leave.” He leveled his eyes at Jeonghan, “Get out of my apartment.”

“What?” Jeonghan stood up, a bit dazed. Joshua had never told him to leave before, not even when he knew that he was getting on Joshua’s last nerve. Did this Mingyu guy have such a hold on Joshua that Jeonghan was being left behind? Something inside him burned. But before he could even say anything more, Joshua growled.

“Leave. I don’t need to hear your crap if you’re going to be like this. I’m happy.” His eyes gleamed, not in the soft way that had Jeonghan’s stomach clenching, but in the way that had him wanting to run for the hills. Joshua in all his softness had a mean streak and now seemed like a time that he was going use his anger against Jeonghan. “I’m with someone who appreciates me. A handsome someone. Mingyu treats me like I’m the only one in his world. I’m _important_ to him.”

“Are you implying something?” Jeonghan asked.

Scoffing, Joshua grabbed him and tugged him toward the door. “You’re not stupid Jeonghan. Just dense. You’ll figure it out if you give a damn.” He opened it, ready to push Jeonghan out.

Jeonghan dug his feet in. He wouldn’t leave without a fight. He wouldn’t lose to some tall gangly idiot named Mingyu. “Well what if I am stupid? Tell me Shua.”

Joshua stopped. “Tell you?” he said softly, looking at Jeonghan with those lovely eyes of his. Lovely eyes that were filled with too many things for Jeonghan to even decipher. “I’m tired of having to tell you.”

Jeonghan stopped, confused. Tired? What did he mean?

“I’m tired of having to tell you how I feel when if you were paying attention to me you wouldn’t be asking me.” Shaking his head, Joshua continued, his hands curling into Jeonghan’s shirt, clenching on the fabric. “I’m almost always know what you’re thinking, what you’re wanting, before you even say anything. The fact that you’re asking me to tell you. I guess we’re not as close as we thought.” He pushed Jeonghan out, closing the door on his shocked face.

* * *

 “Hello?” He sighed. “Oh hey. No, I’m ok.” He shook his head. “No…I just.” His hand clenched on his cellphone. “Tonight? I’m not sure.”

“It’ll be fun. Promise. I’ll make it good for you.”

He stood there, thinking about it. “Ok. See you later.”

* * *

Jeonghan groaned as he let himself be dragged to a table. Why he agreed to take his girlfriend out on a night like this he didn’t know. At a club even. Fuck. He wasn’t in the mood. He kept replaying the fight he had with Joshua in his head and it still didn’t make sense to him. What did Joshua mean?

He was an attentive friend. He hung out with Joshua a lot. Listened to him. Helped him when he needed it. So why did Joshua—

“Jeonghan!” Seohyun shouted at him, a pout playing across her lips.

On a better day Jeonghan would call it cute. But today it was annoying. He told her he wasn’t feeling up to it and yet she whined until he said yes and she clearly could tell his heart wasn’t into it. Snapping at his girlfriend though wasn’t a good idea, he sighed. “What Seohyun?”

Her lips thinned, eyes narrowing.

Damn. Was she going to throw a hissy fit over his inattention?

“It’s nothing,” Seungkwan interrupted. “Nothing at all.”

Normally, Jeonghan would believe him. But he stared, Seungkwan tried his best to lie but he wasn’t ever that good at it. He fidgeted, almost sweated as Jeonghan stared him down, his eyes downcast away from Jeonghan’s piercing gaze.

“Oh, look it’s Shua hyung,” Seokmin said, staring down at the dance floor from their balcony area. “Oh god,” he gasped, eyes going wide, jaw practically dropping to his knees.

“What?” Jeonghan turned, trying to catch a glimpse of what had Seokmin shocked.

Seungkwan used his body to block his view. “Joshua hyung is a big boy. Leave him alone.”

“And I’m a big boy too,” Jeonghan retorted back, “let me see.” He pushed Seungkwan to the side gently, to take his spot against the railing. He looked down, searching for Joshua and whatever the hell he was doing.

Joshua fucking Hong was on the dance floor, his ass to Mingyu’s crotch, grinding away on it like he was getting fucked right then and there. His arms were bare, wrapped around Mingyu’s face to bring it close to his neck. Mingyu had his hands all over Joshua’s hips and ass, moving it no doubt to give him that friction.  Joshua had his head against Mingyu’s chest, neck on display, sweat running down it, his mouth open. Was he groaning as he practically rode Mingyu’s dick for everyone to see?

Jeonghan stared, his eyes unblinking, His heart pounding like crazy. Jeonghan’s fingers clenched on the railing, the rush of blood giving him strength to hold tight onto it. What the fuck was happening? What the fuck was Joshua doing? Why the hell was he doing it with him?

Joshua turned his head, tilting it up to Mingyu’s face. He kissed him, his ass not stopping its circles and up and down moving. The two of them held each other close, making out. Mingyu’s tongue moved into Joshua’s open mouth and Jeonghan could see their tongues moving against each other. He could see Joshua quivering and what was likely a hard on in Joshua’s jeans.

It didn’t matter that the club was barely lit and he was a good story or two up. He could still see Joshua as bright as the moon on a clear night.

He had enough of this. Pushing away from the railing, he rushed to the stairs.

“Jeonghan!”

He ignored the screech of Seohyun’s voice. He didn’t fucking care. He needed to know what the fuck Joshua was doing. Jeonghan’s body told him to fucking move. Told him to move Joshua away from that tall ass tree. Fuck everything else.


	3. But You're the one Who's Hurting me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we get closer to the end

Joshua groaned low as he felt Mingyu press his hard on as close as he could get without stripping Joshua. Coming to the club with Mingyu was a good choice. Joshua needed to stop thinking and if he got a good fuck out of it then it was even better.

He needed the stress relief. School was always stressful and his internship wasn’t always great. But the hardest part of his life right now was the fight he was having with his best friend. His stupid, oblivious best friend.

“Mingyu,” Joshua gasped.

Mingyu groaned in response, running his nose up the back of Joshua’s ear. “Come home with me tonight.”

Joshua opened his mouth to respond but he felt a hand grab him by the wrist and yank. Stumbling, he let out a shout of surprise as he ran smack into a rather familiar chest. “Jeonghan?!”

Jeonghan ignored him though. He gave Mingyu the ugliest look Joshua had seen Jeonghan give anyone. His eyes were narrowed and spitting fire. It made Joshua shiver. “Stay away from him,” Jeonghan growled. “Joshua doesn’t need your type of people in his life.”

He didn’t stay to hear what Mingyu had to say, dragging Joshua away.

Dazed, Joshua didn’t even protest or yank his hand away from the very best friend that drove him to climb Mingyu like a pole.

 

* * *

More roughly than he intended, Jeonghan pushed Joshua against the wall right outside the back entrance. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” he spat, “you were all over Mingyu like you wanted to get his dick.”

Joshua stared at him with wide eyes for a few seconds before they narrowed. Pushing himself off the wall, he snapped back at Jeonghan. “And what if that’s what I was looking for!? It doesn’t have anything to do with you! Who I fuck or who fucks me is my decision?!”

Jeonghan felt a deep roar inside his chest. “It has everything to do with me!” He grabbed Joshua by the forearm and pushed him back, barricading him against the wall. “It has everything to do with me,” he repeated growling low in his throat.

He felt hands on his chest and then a giant push. Taking a few steps back to steady himself, Jeonghan snapped his head back to glare at Joshua.

“No, it doesn’t,” Joshua said, his voice cold and dangerous. “You’re not my mom. You’re not my dad. You’re not my boyfriend. Go fuck yourself Jeonghan.” Scoffing, Joshua looked away from him. “You’re only so concerned now because I’m not spending all my time with you. You’re like a child whose favorite toy got taken away.” He sneered. “I’m not going to be at your every little call anymore. That’s what your girlfriend is for.” Joshua gave him a look, “You know. The one you changed your hair for.”

“I’m your best friend!” Jeonghan yelled back. “You shouldn’t date assholes!”

“And I’m an adult.” Joshua stood tall, ready to punch Jeonghan he was so angry. “I’m not even dating Mingyu. We’re just fucking around. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“It is when you’re only going to get hurt,” Jeonghan retorted.

Joshua stopped. His eyes filled with some emotion that Jeonghan couldn’t quite put his finger on. “And what do you know about me getting hurt?” He bore his eyes into Jeonghan, using them as if his eyes could flay him open. “What would you know about the feelings I had for years? Over a stupid asshole,” Joshua said hoarsely, voice going ragged with pain. “Feelings that were dumb to have and so fucking stupid to hold onto. What would you know about being hurt by someone who liked to say they loved you. But never in the way you wanted,” he said, stepping away from Jeonghan, like his presence was killing him. “Falling in love with you hurt me. Is hurting me. So, fuck off about caring about who’s going to hurt me when it’s always been you.”

Joshua stared at him, his eyes filled with pain. He said nothing else, turning around to leave Jeonghan standing there stunned with his revelation.

Standing there, Jeonghan felt his head swim with all this new information. Joshua liked him? Loved him even. And Jeonghan was hurting him. Oh god. Jeonghan was hurting someone he loved.

“Jeonghan,” Seohyun screeched. “Where were you? You just left me with your friends all alone.”

“Be quiet for a moment,” Jeonghan said. “I need to think.”

Fuming, she stomped her foot. “First you leave me to go deal with your best friend. And now you’re telling me to shut up? I don’t need this.” She spun on her heels. “We’re done. I’m breaking up with you. Bye,” as if it were some sort of threat and Jeonghan would fight to get her back.

Jeonghan didn’t even say anything, letting her go. He needed to think. Joshua loved him, no was still in love with him. Fuck.

 

* * *

“Are you and Shua hyung ok?” Seungkwan side eyed Jeonghan as he silently ate.

Jeonghan over the last few days was quieter than normal, looking ragged and unkempt even. Shaking his head, Jeonghan asked, “Have you been able to talk to him? He hasn’t been responding to me.”

Seungkwan looked at him with pity. “I think that’s code for leave me alone. Shua hyung doesn’t want to talk to you apparently. Why would he talk to me? He’d know that you would try to extort info.”

“How’s Seohyun,” Seokmin asked. “Haven’t seen her around?”

“We broke up,” Jeonghan mumbled into his spoonful of soup. “She got pissed at me for following Joshua.”

The two of them looked at each other for a few seconds before sliding their eyes back to Jeonghan.

“Well,” Seungkwan started cautiously, “it’s rather suspect when you go run after your best friend.”

“I care,” Jeonghan snarled, not wanting the same sort of conversation he had with Joshua.

“Friends don’t always hover over friends, protecting them like they’re a baby,” Seokmin pointed out. “Shua hyung is an adult and he can do what he wants. We should support him in his endeavors. It’s not like it’s hurting him.”

“Being with Mingyu will do him no good,” Jeonghan snapped.

“Have you ever thought,” Seungkwan said softly, “on why you’re always so overprotective over Joshua? Because you don’t act like this with us.”

Protesting, Jeonghan hit his fist on the table softly, not wanting to draw attention to them. “I do too.”

Seokmin shook his head. “No, you don’t. You’re protective. But not like the deadly overprotective you are with Joshua hyung.”

“You always hang out with him when you have a girlfriend too. You don’t devote yourself to them wholly,” Seungkwan pointed out. “Do you perhaps…like Shua hyung? Like more than friend.”

Jeonghan paused, his spoon dropping from his very still fingers. Did he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeonghan's an idiot isn't he


	4. So you think you have feelings?

“What?” Jeonghan thought he misheard.

“Hmm,” Seokmin murmured. “You always did treat Shua hyung differently.” He started to count on his fingers. “You’d always hang out with him even when you were dating.”

“I hung out with all of you too,” Jeonghan protested, words spilling from his mouth.

“You’d always have your hands on him,” Seungkwan said, staring at Jeonghan like he just figured out his biggest secret. And perhaps it was Jeonghan’s biggest secret.

Jeonghan’s jaw dropped. “I’m touchy with you two too,” waving his hands in a deranged manner. His head was spinning. How did they jump to this conclusion?

“But the way you touch him,” Seokmin said, explaining. “Your hand on his back, the way you hold onto him, touching his neck, pulling him in by the waist like he’s your girlfriend.”

Seungkwan jumped in. “The way you slept with him.”

“We never sl-slept together!”

He shook his head. “Not that way hyung. But the way you two would fall asleep together. You liked being the big spoon. We have pictures.” Fishing out his phone, Seungkwan continued. “You’d bury your nose in his hair and hold him close.”

“Stroking his hip,” Seokmin threw in.

Jeonghan stared at the photo that Seungkwan shoved in his face. They were right. He had been the big spoon and his face was buried in Joshua’s hair.

“Oh oh,” Seokmin said, “I have a video too.” He moved his phone over, tapping away. “Here it is. Ignore our snickering.”

“Shh,” the video went, “don’t wake them up.”

“Awww,” video Seungkwan went. “They’re so cute.”

“More like barf worthy,” Wonwoo said.

Jeonghan’s video self mumbled into Joshua’s hair, his hands touching Joshua around the waist and stroking his hips just like Seokmin said.

“I can’t believe they’re not dating.”

Jihoon, Jeonghan thought. That was Jihoon who was exasperated with them. Oh god. Did their friends see it before Jeonghan? Was he that stupid like Joshua said he was?

“But,” Jeonghan said softly, “I don’t like him that way.”

“Don’t you?” Seungkwan raised an eyebrow. “You missed him when he was gone to visit his parents back in America. You even missed hanging out with him when you were dating your exes.”

Joshua was his best friend. Of course, Jeonghan missed him when he went on those trips to visit his family.

“You hated his last lover,” Seokmin pointed out. “That guy was nice too. He liked Shua hyung a lot but you absolutely hated him and did shit to make him feel unwelcome. And Shua hyung never did anything to your girlfriends.”

Jeonghan didn’t hate the guy. He just…disliked him, intensely. He was no good for Joshua. No one was. Except him. Jeonghan had full confidence that he was the best for Shua. Wait. Did he just admit that?! Was he in love?!

“You act like a jealous possessive lover even when he’s not yours and you aren’t his.” Seungkwan snorted. “Just because you don’t think you like him in that way doesn’t mean your actions don’t spell out the fact that you like him as more than just friends. You’re just super dense.”

Jeonghan sat there, soaking in all the information. Apparently, none of this was new to their friends but it was to him. He didn’t even realize. If he took it all into account it did look like he was in love. And then there was his behavior lately. All those angry growls and that feeling that made him want to punch Kim freaking Mingyu in the face, was jealousy. Oh god. He was in love with Joshua.

“And now you’re too late,” Seokmin whispered, his eyes following something.

“Oh shit,” Seungkwan said in a hushed tone. The quietest Jeonghan had ever heard him.

Jeonghan turned to see what they were being so hush hush about. He growled. Joshua walked by, all cuddled up against that damn tall ass tree. Standing up, he moved. He told Joshua that Mingyu was no good for him. What was he doing?

“He’s not yours,” Seungkwan said, “so sit down hyung before you do more damage like at the club.”

“How do you know?” Whipping his head around, Jeonghan narrowed his eyes.

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. “You’ve been doing rash things ever since Joshua’s been hanging around with Mingyu. And the way you stormed down there said something was going to go down. Now you’re here girlfriendless, Joshua-less, and having a mental breakdown on finally figuring out that you like your best friend more than just a friend. Sit down before your handsome, pretty face is going to get broken. By Joshua hyung no doubt.”

“Then what do you want me to do about liking Joshua,” he snapped. “Am I supposed to sit here and do nothing?!”

“Don’t you think it’s a little too late for you now,” Seokmin asked softly.

Jeonghan’s anger dissipated. “But I just found out.”

“Does Joshua even like you though?”

His forehead bunched together, his brows furrowing. “I don’t know.” Joshua yelled at him that night, about being in love, but if he was hanging around with Mingyu. Maybe he wasn’t in love with Jeonghan anymore.


	5. Slow With my Heart

Joshua sighed, leaning against his knees. Putting his chin in his palm, he felt a wave of sadness wash over him.

A hand shot out, stroking his bare hip. “Was I that much of a shitty fuck,” Mingyu joked.

Looking over, Joshua drank in the sight of tan skin and long limbs. Mingyu was a looker. But he wasn’t Jeonghan and Joshua hated himself for thinking that. “You weren’t,” Joshua said softly. “You’re just not—”

“I’m not Jeonghan,” Mingyu finished for him. He sat up, a slightly angry look on his face, his forehead scrunched up, his eyes narrowed. “You should forget him. He’s clearly an idiot.”

“Like you’re forgetting your feelings for Minghao,” Joshua snapped, eyes blazing. “You shouldn’t tell me what to do when you’re not doing it either.”

 Mingyu’s jaw dropped.

“Hypocrites are annoying.” Joshua looked off the side, sitting in the silence. “It’s not like you don’t have a chance anyhow,” he said softly. “At least Minghao dates guys too.” Ignoring the way his heart hurt, Joshua continued, “Jeonghan’s only ever dated girls.”

“He’s dumb to not see that you’re a catch,” Mingyu said quietly. “And Minghao’s never shown any interest in me. Just takes our friend’s suggestions as jokes when they say we should be dating.”

Joshua hummed. “He gave me the ugliest of looks yesterday when we were walking through campus.” Vividly, Joshua remembered a piercing stare that spoke volumes. If eyes could kill, Joshua would’ve been left bleeding on the grounds of the university. “He’s probably just deflecting. You’ve never made it clear to him that you wanted to date, did you?”

Rosy, flushed cheeks were an interesting look on Mingyu, Joshua mused. At least he had enough shame to look chastised. Unlike a certain someone who’d always look down like he was guilty and felt ashamed, but then turn around and give Joshua a shit-eating grin. A cute smile. Stupid Jeonghan. Joshua didn’t have time to dwell on him anymore. “I thought so,” Joshua said. “It won’t get you anywhere if you’re gallivanting around campus with other people. Or all over me.”

“But what if I stop and he stops looking at me,” Mingyu mumbled, eyes downcast, like a lost little boy.

Joshua’s eyebrows flew up. “So, you’re smart enough to realize that your playboy ways got him to look at you more often, but you’re not smart enough to realize that if you simply talked to him maybe you won’t have to go ‘date’ other people.”

“It was easier,” Mingyu said, “to have him always look in my direction. Then to actually talk about the feelings.” He stared at Joshua. “Talking about them—”

“Makes them real,” Joshua finished softly. He understood that all to well. He had, in a fit of anger, spouted out his own feelings, and he’d been avoiding his best friend since.

Mingyu nodded. For all of his bravado and confidence, Mingyu was at the end of the day, a confused boy who feared.

Joshua shook his head, trying to get out of the melancholic mood they fell in. “Still,” he started, “it’s clear that he likes you as more than friends. Bite the bullet and confess.”

“And what about you?” Mingyu took Joshua’s face into his hands. “I’ll do it if you’ll do it.”

Narrowing his eyes, Joshua pushed his hands away. “That’s not how things work Mingyu. And if you wanted to know so badly. I already did.” He felt his eyes water. Must be the lack of sleep.

Mingyu let out a soft noise.

“I’m fine,” Joshua said, biting down on this lower lip. “Nothing happened. I just blurted everything out.” He repeated, “Nothing happened.” His eyes were tearing up. Damn.

Big hands reached out, gently wiping away the tears. “Ok hyung.”

Joshua tried to push him away. “I’m not crying,” his voice thick. He could feel his body start shaking. “M’not.”

Mingyu nodded, gently wiping them away as they fell. “All right.” Pulling Joshua close, he moved his hands to hug him. “It’s ok,” he said quietly as Joshua shook against him, tears falling.

* * *

Quietly, he walked down the hall. It had been a tiring several days between the clubbing, the fight, the confession, and then the crying session after sex with Mingyu. Joshua needed a day, no at least three days for everything to sink in and for him to just be. He needed time to put himself back together again.

What he didn’t need was to his see the best friend he harbored feelings for waiting for him in his apartment.

“No.” Joshua pointed out the slightly open door he just walked through. “Get out. I don’t want to talk to you, let alone see you.”

Jeonghan held a bouquet of flowers, a bag full of what looked to be Joshua’s favorite snacks, and man was he testing Joshua. Jeonghan had laid down on his coffee table, what looked to be Joshua’s favorite animes, in DVD version. The stupid ass must’ve paid good money for those. He knew Joshua had a hard time resisting anime.

“What are you trying to pull?” Chucking his bag onto the couch, Joshua glared at Jeonghan, who wilted a bit as Joshua tried to kill him with his eyes.

“I’m here to apologize,” Jeonghan said softly. “For being dumber than a doornail and for hurting you.” Gripping the bouquet hard, “I didn’t realize that I’m in love with you. Not without help anyhow.”

Stepping back, Joshua shook his head. “Don’t,” he strained, his voice reedy thin and high. “Don’t you dare do this to me now. Haven’t you done enough?” He had to some extent known in his heart that nothing would come of his love for Jeonghan, so why was the idiot doing this to him now. “Don’t lie to me so we can go back to being friends! Are you doing this because they told you to? Stop acting like a doormat and think for yourself!”

“I am,” Jeonghan snapped. “I’m thinking that I fucking hated how Mingyu kissed you and had his filthy hands all over you when you’re mine! That he’s a shit person to be your boyfriend! You deserve better than him!” His chest heaved, Jeonghan rarely yelled. His now, short hair fluttered, settling down against his cheekbones.

“First of all,” Joshua replied back heatedly, “I’m not yours. I was only ever your best friend.” He seethed. “And second, I deserve better do I? I do! I deserve better than you that’s for sure!”

Jeonghan flinched hard. Placing down the bouquet, he nodded. “You’re right,” slowly he got down his knees. “You do deserve better. But I can’t take it seeing you with someone other than me.” He placed his hands on his knees, this was humiliating to some extent, but he wanted to show Joshua he was sincere. He never kneeled for anyone but his parents and grandparents. Bowing down, he continued. “Forgive me. Please. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you fall in love with me again. I’ll make you happy.”

“If I’m happier without you?” Joshua wouldn’t be, but he needed to know.

“I’ll stay away,” Jeonghan said. “I’d be dead without you in my life but if you asked me I would.”

Jeonghan was always so dramatic; he’d live. “Get up,” Joshua sighed. He was so stupid to even do this. But love made everyone stupid. “I’m hungry.”

Scrambling to his feet, Jeonghan asked. “You’re going to forgive me just like that?”

“No,” Joshua glared back at him, walking to the kitchen. “I don’t want you out of my life though.”

“Then are you saying yes to dating me?”

“Definitely no to that too,” Joshua replied, opening the fridge.

“Then what are we going to do?” Jeonghan finally reached him, grabbing Joshua by the wrist.

Turning around, Joshua stared him in the eyes. “We’re going to take things slow. I like you still. Stupidly so. But I’m not ready to jump into a relationship with you. Definitely not. It makes me happy,” he said softly, taking Jeonghan’s hand off his wrist, lacing their fingers together with a shuddering breath. “You finally figured out your feelings for me too. But it’s too early for us to be boyfriends without ruining our relationship completely.”

Jeonghan felt the pressure lift from his pounding heart. “Thank god. I’d thought you’d leave me entirely for all I’ve done. Which would be well deserved.” He squeezed Joshua’s hand. “I can do slow. Anything for you.”

“You have a long way to go before I’ll completely forgive you for hurting me,” Joshua reminded him with narrowed eyes. “And before I say yes to actually dating. But you have a chance.”

Giving Joshua that grin that made his stomach flutter, Jeonghan nodded happily. “It’s better than I hoped for. I’ll work hard for your heart.”

Joshua’s traitorous heart fluttered too. Yanking his hand out of Jeonghan’s, he brusquely said, looking back into the fridge, making sure to not show Jeonghan his face, “We’ll see.”

Jeonghan’s hands softly touched his hip, gripping it in a silent response.

Joshua let it stay there. Slow. Slow so Joshua’s heart could heal from the pain. Slow so they could talk and figure things out. Slow so they could fall more in love with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm satisfied with the ending. not completely happy with everything but satisfied overall with the story.


End file.
